Question by Shawn: Who could help me take a look at me personal statement?
I am a Chinese student who is applying to transfer from community college to UC now. I wrote a personal statement for my application. Could anyone help me revise my grammars and sentence patterns? Even a paragraph or a sentence, I would appreciate it.
My interest in economics and business has reasons. For one thing, born in a business family, I had been influenced by my family’s economics sense and education. For another, I was nurtured in a new China which keeps economic development as its central task and under a backdrop of rapidly growing economic globalization
When I was in middle school, I organized some classmates collecting the discarded bottles and cans on campus, and then we sent them to the reclamation depot, receiving some petty cash. I outlined the rules of our little “company” and the responsibilities of every member. We were happy because we earned money by doing a virtuous thing. Finally, we donated most of the money to our class as the activity funds. This was my first contact with business activity.
After I graduated from my Chinese college, I opened an online store primarily selling slippers in the largest Chinese C2C website, TaoBao. During that period, I was working around the clock. I dedicated myself to it. One of my biggest proud of it was that I received 100 percent positive feedback from all customers. It was extremely hard to achieve this because I needed to pay my true love to both my store and the customers all the time. Under my direction, the business was flourishing every day, and we soon became one of the biggest slipper sellers in TaoBao. During the half a year, my earnings were more than most Chinese workers’ two-year-earnings. Meanwhile, I also solved a poor classmate’s employment problem by offering him a job. It is currently being run by my cousin, and the address is http://shop33903193.taobao.com/.
No matter I reclaimed bottles and cans or ran online store was for the common purposes: to maintain the environment and to help others. I thought we could save resources and reduce pollutions through recycling waste and the online store could save people’s time as well as reduce emission by decreasing the vehicle operation.
When I was in the Chinese college, I was often wondering why the economic development was always accompanying with political struggle and a sacrifice of environmental disruption. It is good for a state to pursue its economic advancement, but it should take the responsibility of protecting the environment and promoting sustainable development as well. How to achieve this goal? How to arouse people’s consciousness? These are some of the questions always puzzled me. I hope I could search out an answer by seeking knowledge in the U.S. which has the most advanced political and economic system in the world.
Because of my explicit preferences, I have already had my future in mind. I might become an entrepreneur, a CEO, or an environmentalist. Regardless, if I choose to start my own business, I will prefer low-carbon industries; if I become a manager, I will take environment into the first consideration; if I work in government, I must engage in environmental work. I do want to earn money, but I want to contribute to the society even more; we do need increasingly economic growth, but we need green mountains, clear waters, blue sky and white cloud even more. I admire Americans could enjoy the fresh air and sunshine in California coast, and I wish my country could enjoy this someday.
Best answer:
Answer by University Ninja
I did some editing, hope this helps.
Economics and business have always interested me. For one thing, being born in a business family, I had been influenced by my family’s economics sense and education. For another, I was nurtured in a new China which keeps economic development as its central task under a backdrop of rapidly growing economic globalization
When I was in middle school, I organized some classmates collecting discarded bottles and cans on campus. Accordingly, we sent them to the reclamation depot, receiving some petty cash. I outlined the rules of our little “company” and the responsibilities of every member. We were happy because we earned money by doing a virtuous thing. Finally, we donated most of the money to our class as the activity funds. This was my first contact with business activity.
After I graduated from my Chinese college, I opened an online store selling slippers in the largest Chinese C2C website, TaoBao. During that period, I worked round the clock. I dedicated myself to it. One of my proudest moments is when I received 100 percent positive feedback from all customers. It was challenging to achieve this because I needed to pay my true love to both my store and the customers all the time. Under my direction, the business was flourishing every day. We soon became one of the biggest slipper sellers in TaoBao. During first half of the year, my earnings were more than most Chinese workers’ two-year-earnings. Meanwhile, I also solved a poor classmate’s employment problem by offering him a job. It is currently being run by my cousin.
No matter I reclaimed bottles and cans or ran online store was for the common purposes: to maintain the environment and to help others. I thought we could save resources and reduce pollutions through recycling waste and the online store could save people’s time as well as reduce emission by decreasing the vehicle operation.
When I was in the Chinese college, I often wondered why the economic development was always accompanied with political struggle and a sacrifice of environmental disruption. It is good for a state to pursue its economic advancement, but it should take the responsibility of protecting the environment and promoting sustainable development as well. How can you achieve this goal? How do you arouse people’s consciousness? These are some of the questions that always puzzled me. I hope I can search out an answer by seeking knowledge in the U.S. which has the most advanced political and economic system in the world.
Because of my explicit preferences, I have already had my future in mind. I might become an entrepreneur, a CEO, or an environmentalist. Regardless, if I choose to start my own business, I will prefer low-carbon industries; if I become a manager, I will take environment into the first consideration; if I work in government, I must engage in environmental work. I want to earn money, but I want to contribute to the society even more. We do need increasing economic growth, but we need green mountains, clear waters, blue skies and white clouds even more. I admire that Americans can enjoy the fresh air and sunshine on the California coast, and I wish my country could enjoy this someday.
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